ERtism

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ERtism
Geographical areas: London, UK
Founder: HIM Emperor Esmond III
Origin: 11 October 2010, Stanley Park High School
Branched from: Cult of the Super Whale
Denomination of: Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster
Popes: HIM Emperor Esmond III
and
Pope Robert I
First Disciple: Corporal Sir Callum Hacket, KCP
Members: >7


ERtism, originally founded as Legatism and formerly known as Esmondism, was a small denomination of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, originally founded on 11 October 2010 by His Imperial Majesty Emperor Esmond III as a break-away sect of the Cult of Super Whale, and personally led by the Emperor as self-declared Pope. It had a growing following in the Austenasian Army, but no actual Austenasian residents were known to have converted to ERtism by the time it was disestablished by Esmond III on 10 March 2011.

History

Legatism was founded by the Emperor as on offshoot of the Cult of Super Whale on 11 October 2010.

  • On 12 October, Colonel Robert Songhurst of the Austenasian Army was appointed Vice Pope by the Emperor, with power over all the Disciples but having to follow the orders of the Pope.
  • On 12 November, the Emperor renamed Legatism to Esmondism, and added a new commandment, "Hail Esmond". He also deposed Vice Pope Robert from his position of authority after he ridiculed the Emperor's attempt to eat chocolate cake with chopsticks.
  • On 5 January 2011, Emperor Esmond placed Colonel Robert back in a position of power in the cult, installing him as joint Pope. The religion was again renamed, this time to "ERtism".
  • On 13 January 2011, Pope Esmond decreed that ERtism would from now on follow the teachings of Pastafarianism (Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster) instead of the Cult of Super Whale. He changed the First Commandment to reflect this, and also changed the Second in reference to the fact that there were now two Popes.
  • On 10 March 2011, Esmond abolished the Papacy and declared that all followers of ERtism should join the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Leaders

  • Pope: HIM Emperor Esmond III (11 - 12 Oct 2010)
  • Pope: HIM Emperor Esmond III, Vice Pope: Colonel Robert Songhurst (12 Oct - 12 Nov 2010)
  • Pope: HIM Emperor Esmond III (12 Nov 2010 - 5 Jan 2011)
  • Popes: HIM Emperor Esmond III and Pope Robert I (5 Jan 2011 - 10 March 2011)


Commandments

11 October - 12 November 2010

  • Hail the Whale! But not Declan, because he's not a Whale.

12 November 2010 - 13 January 2010

  • Hail the Whale! But not Declan, because he's not a Whale.
  • Hail Esmond!

13 January 2011 - 10 March 2011

  • All hail the Flying Spaghetti Monster!
  • Hail the Popes!

Beliefs

The only real difference between the Cult of the Super Whale and ERtism was that Non-ERtists acknowledge a Grand Prophet and a High Priest as the ultimate spiritual authorities, whereas ERtists acknowledged the Popes (Emperor Esmond III and Pope Robert I) as the ultimate spiritual authorities. Pope Esmond appointed some of the newly recruited ERtists as Disciples, with Corporal Sir Calum Hacket given the honorary distinction of First Disciple.

In January 2011 however, Pope Esmond decreed that ERtism would no longer follow the teachings of the Cult of Super Whale (see below), but would be a denomination of Pastafarianism.

Original Statement of Belief

In the beginning, there was nothing. The universe was cold, and there was no life. But then, all of a sudden, there was a whale. A whale as large as planet, and as small as an octopus, with just as many tentacles. The whale was lonely and sad, and the misery built up inside it. The whale felt as if it was going to burst, when suddenly, the miserable feeling burst out of its blowhole in the form of a galaxy. Then, not just one galaxy, but several came out. Eventually, enough celestial bodies were emitted to fill the universe. The entire, infinite universe. This whale was called Super Whale. Super Whale made its home on the planet Pluto, nearby to Earth. It was content for a while, admiring all that it had created, but then came the bad news. The planet Earth had an infestation of beasts called dinosaurs, and they prevented the growth of some of the whale’s favorite species, such as bears. Super Whale descended upon the Earth, and unleashed its wrath upon the vile beasts, and all was well, as Super Whale’s glorious theme song played in the background. It is a song too complex to be comprehended by mortal minds, but all of life stood still, frozen in awe of the glory of Super Whale. Thus the Ice Age began.

But then, bad news arrived. Super Whale’s home planet of Pluto had lost so much mass when Super Whale left that it was no longer considered a planet. Super Whale was filled with rage, and it threw a tantrum of mythic proportions, destroying the home of the sea gorillas, known as Atlantis. With the sea gorillas gone, the bears of the world were free to do as they pleased, with their natural enemies destroyed. The bears praised Super Whale, and the miracles that it could perform.

Since then, Super Whale has dwelled on the sun, waiting until the universe is ready to be able to comprehend time travel, when its time machine will be complete, and it will bring all life back to its prosperous home that it came from long ago, approximately ∞2 years in the future.

Until then, the teachings of Super Whale will always be remembered. Super Whale is a symbol of glory, creativity, and everything that is good in the universe. Nothing will ever rival the beauty of Super Whale, because Super Whale looks like everything that everyone wants it to, with the only constants being that it is a firebreathing whale with tentacles, which is obviously the most beautiful possible thing.

All is not prefect, however. There is an enemy. There is a representation of all evil. A beast so vile, it is almost strong enough to defeat Super Whale and claim the universe. Almost. It does not have that power yet, but there is worry. This beast has the body of a five-legged giraffe, the tail of a rabbit, and the three heads of an alligator, a chicken, and a flaming snowman. In the alligator head, the raw power of the beast lies. In the chicken head, the brilliance and cunning work to cause misfortune. In the flaming snowman head, there is only pure, unspeakable evil. But lo, three of Super Whale's greatest generals have come to aid in the great battle! The first, and most powerful is Cannon Bear, a creature with the body of a bear and the head of a cannon. From its mighty head erupts the great BANHammer, which will slay even the toughest enemies with one mighty blow. The second general is a bear with the ability to roll itself into a ball and effortlessly trample its foes. It has blades on its arms and may set itself ablaze at will, as it is immune to fire. The last general is a Bear with chainsaws for arms. It may detach the saws, allowing a wider range of devastation, swinging them around by their chains. Together these generals and Super Whale himself will battle The Beast, and it's army of the damned! Will the dreaded beast succeed in preventing Super Whale from taking us to its future past? Only time will tell. There is always hope.