MicroWiki:MicroGrassToucher
 | This page contains material that is kept because it is considered humourous. It is not meant to be taken seriously. |
| MicroWikiGrassToucher | |
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| Conservation Status
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| Scientific classification | |
| Kingdom: | Animalia |
| Phylum: | Chordata |
| Order: | Primates |
| Family: | Hominidae |
| Genus: | Avaragus |
| Species: | Sapiens Sapiens |
A MicroWikiGrasstoucher (also known as Grass toucher) is a MicroWiki User who never or rarely does edits on MicroWiki. This type of User is the most common one on this Website, due to there being 92,133, yet there only being only 569 that perform edits, which is a rate of around 0.63% (as of 18 October 2024). So, considering that number, 99.37% of Micro Wiki users are Grass Touchers, if not even more, considering users that might have done edits recently, but otherwise rarely do. Most Grass Touchers are not integrated into the MicroWiki community, aka they arent in the Discord Server, let alone if they know of its existence. Some of them probably made their account three years ago because they thought they could use it someday, but then they forgot about that account and it has been standing there ever since. Their most common activity on MicroWiki is doing nothing, because they usually never, or rarely log onto the website.
Activities
During its spare time, the GrassToucher might do something for their health, including playing a sport, going to the gym or spending time outside. Some other things the GrassToucher might be doing are working a job, having a girlfriend, taking a shower, cleaning their room, eating healthy and going outside. These kinds of activities are pretty unheard of in the core community of MicroWiki. If you, as a regular MicroWiki user, accidentally somehow end up in the outside world over your mom's basement, you are quite likely to meet a grass toucher, as their natural habitat, is the outside world. There, you might encounter a person of that species going to the store, taking a walk, driving the bike or jogging.
Behaviour of a "GrassToucher"
Standard behaviour which will probably make a user qualify as a member of the Avaragus family includes...
- No, or less than 20 edits
- The lack of a user page
- A constant offline status on their Discord profile - if they even have one
- If they have any edits, a blank or unfinished draft that has been sitting unreviewed for months without an edit
- Deleted drafts due to inactivity
Lifetime of a GrassToucher
They were probably born before 2006, which means that they are a full grown adult right now, which grew up without the lack of internet. Their first encounters with the Internet might have been in computer class at school in grade 8, or playing on the Gamecube in the summer break at their friend's house. They didn't have social media or a phone growing up and spent most of their early life playing outside with their friends, some common games they played could be hide and seek, catch or football. They usually have slightly higher grades than average and graduate from school with good enough grades to start college. When it came to adulthood, they moved out either at 18 to live in a college dorm room or getting conscripted, or they moved out in their early twenties to get a flat with their girlfriend. Also in their early 20s, they usually finish college and get a full-time job to support themselves and their family. During that time, they might marry, if they were Christian, if they are atheists, they will probably marry a bit later. In their late 20s and early 30s, they start having children and watch them grow up until their late 40s or early 50s, then their children also move out. During this time, they might have got enough money to move from a flat to a house, to have more space to live. During their 60s, they will stop working and start living with pensions, up until their death between ages 70 and age 100.
Care and feeding of GrassTouchers
GrassTouchers have a pretty freedom-loving nature, having an interest in the freedom of travel. They hate being in an enclosed habitat, due to their preferred hobbies often including activities where you have to move a lot, like playing football, cycling, hiking or jogging. So if you are an alien that just abducted a member of this species and want to create the most comfortable environment for a GrassToucher, you should give them enough free space to live out their favourite hobbies, preferably with some grass and plants, to recreate the outside environment where they spend most of their time. For the feeding, you should be planning on feeding them a balanced and healthy diet including fresh vegetables and fruits, but for the main course, you should also provide them with some meat, as well as something made out of grain for the side course, like noodles, rice or bread.
Userbox
In case you or a friend of yours has an account on the micro wiki that is classified as a grass toucher, feel free to add this userbox to your or his user page.
 | This user belongs to the species of a GrassTtoucher. |
You could also add the category [[Category:MicroWiki:GrassToucher]] to his userpage.
Guide to Encounter a GrassToucher
So, what if in a hypothetical scenario, you, my dear MicroWiki user find yourself outside of your mom's basement? And then, you encounter a person, that is part of the species "GrassToucher"? Well then, you've come to the right place, because here, you have the guide on how to act when you encounter one.
Step 1: Identify the GrassToucher
First, you might have to know if this person is a grass toucher or not. Luckily, grass touchers give you some signs on how to identify them. One of the clearest signs is that they are unironically staying outside, but what if you are unsure if they are here because they got forced by their mom or are here out of their own will? What if they don't tell you straight up that they actually think that hiking is fun? So, the next sign might be clearer. The second sign might be that they never use meme speak, opting for traditional jokes instead.
Step 2: Mask your Internet ways
If you encounter one of these people, you don't want to immediately scare them off with words or references they don't understand, because they are not accustomed to the chaos of online life. So how do you blend in? First, you should avoid meme speak, so any words that you only know from the Internet, just don't say them. Unlucky for you, the only way you ever communicate is through the Internet... well then, even if I can't help you, I would just recommend you talk with real people from time to time. One thing you should never do is mention all the time you waste on internet platforms. Remember: to grass touchers, your screen time isn't a flex, it's a red flag. You should also try to interpret their conversations in an offline way, for example, if they ask you if you want to do something on the weekend, immediately assume of an irl activity, not a gaming night!
Step 3: Engage in their world
Okay, now that they think that you're at least semi-normal, it's time for you to dip your toes into their world, but only barely. A few strategies for handling their "real-life" talk, are to feign interest in their outdoor activities. If they talk about football, you can nod along and throw in some generic comments here in there, like "That sounds fun!" or "My dad does that too". You should try to make the conversation more engaging by asking them about their offline life, things like "So, what do you do if you close all your tabs?" or "How do you meet a person offline?". But do not make yourself look like you have no idea, instead, pretend to have offline hobbies, and tell them vague things like "Yeah, I totally hung out with some friends last weekend," but don't elaborate. Keep it mysterious. They'll never know.
Step 4: Introduce them to your world (Gradually)
Now that you've established somewhat of a connection, it's time to plant some tiny seeds of internet degeneracy, but very slowly! You don't want to overwhelm them with a different kind of language and culture that will make them run for more fresh air. You could try to drop in some light references, try to casually mention a "funny video you saw on YouTube" or how some memes are a bit funny. But remember to keep it surface-level at first. You'll lure them in. A bit later into the conversation, you could try to invite them to an Online event. Suggest something like watching a gaming stream together or laughing at a meme subreddit. Try to make it sound like a wholesome binding experience, and don't pretend that you are a professional at the topic. Try to act like you've only spent a few minutes watching a stream. Then, gently introduce them to memes. Show them a single meme, one of the universal ones, like "Nyan Cat" or the "Succes Kid"
Step 5: Escape Gracefully (If Necessary)
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, they'll realize that you're just an online degenerate living in your mom's basement, and start talking about how you should "take a shower" or "go touch grass". If that happens, it's your time to make an exit. You could fake an emergency: "Oh, i gotta go, my totally existent friend is calling me" or "The sports club I totally go to is having a training session in 20 minutes"
Step 6: Return to the Safe Embrace of the Internet
Once you’ve survived the encounter, return to your sanctuary—the internet. Let out a sigh of relief as you log back into your favourite online spaces. Share your harrowing tale with fellow degenerates, where everyone will understand. Don’t worry—you survived. Now, time to get back on MicroWiki.